" God and guru's grace have done everything for me. The scriptures say, "If a person makes one step towards God, He comes ten steps toward us."

Ans : In our tradition, when there are four sons in a family (as there were in my family), one son is meant for the parents, one for society, one for the nation, and one for God. I was the third son, and it was I who went to God! My brothers were not so spiritually minded as I, but my eldest sister was very interested in spiritual matters. A family where I was being tutored had three sisters, but they wanted a male child, but did not have one. In a way, they treated me as their son. They were a big influence in my life. My father was a specialist in sankirtan and would take groups around to do sankirtan. He also read the Bhagavatam each day and he urged me to do the same.
God and guru's grace have done everything for me. The Scriptures say, "If a person makes one step towards God, He comes ten steps toward us." As a young person I sensed that I had spiritual samskaras, and I had a devotional type of personality. I was mainly doing japa as my spiritual practice. If any problems would arise, I would turn to God and literally cry. I was around age 16 when these sorts of things started in me. My elder sister would take me to satsang. I had an interesting insight one time: I saw a woman's compact case used for cosmetics, and it seemed like a very soft place to put a small deity-which I did-and I would make offerings of food to the deity in this case! My sister would scold me if any of the food fell out of the little case because, she said, if food fell out it was because I was lacking in true devotion.

I was invited to the Orissa Ashram, by the family I had mentioned earlier, to sing bhajans, and I would go every Sunday to sing in satsang. Up until that point I had a strong desire to go to the cinema as much as possible, but as I got more interested in satsang, the interest in movies fell away. Slowly I would spend more time at the Ashram branch, and after a while I felt that I wanted to take mantra initiation from Swami Chidanandaji, which I did in 1988. The next day we had a conference satsang in a tent; the people were singing a beautiful bhajans, and Swamiji came in and did worship at the altar, and I began to cry, almost uncontrollably. Then he said "Om" and I stopped crying. I asked some of those around me why this had happened. They told me that the senses want to go out to the objects of sense, but the inner self is always searching only for itself. The moment the inner self finds what it is searching for, there is a joy in the form of tears. When the guru meets the disciple, this joy happens. This joy, they said, shows that this one is the true guru. He is the real savior.
Finally I completed my study and came to a camp in a city near my place, and I was not in a mood to return to my family. I found out that Swamiji was coming to this place, and the thought occurred to me, "What can I give to him as a gift?" I thought I must give something that I already have, and I decided to do 200 malas of japa as an offering. I started doing this in the early morning, and even though I had some other jobs I was responsible for at the same time, I was able to complete the japa just as Swamiji arrived.

Devotees in Calcutta were asking for someone from the branch to be sent to help them. Swamiji asked the director of our branch whether I had left my parents conclusively, and he answered that, yes, I had. Swamiji then directed that I should be the one sent to Calcutta. I stayed there for eight months, and then came on to the Ashram. Another Ashram offered me a high position as a Mahant, but I wanted only to be in Sivananda Ashram. As I had no desire for the worldly life or to get married, in 1994 I took the brahmacharya vow. Later I was given sannyas.

As long as it is a command from the guru, any practice is good for you. My sadhana consists of many hours of japa. I use the japa mala, but I may also repeat the name silently. In meditation I concentrate on the mahavakya mantras ("That Thou Art" and others) that I was given in my sannyas ceremony. I also concentrate on the nature of the deep sleep state, and I use the neti, neti ("not this, not that") enquiry. Slowly I expand myself and feel total fearlessness. In that state I continue as long as I can. I also have a practice to 'desire to be desireless!' To become free of desire is really my only effort, that is, to free the mind from everything. To become a great person, one must kill the mind, as a saint truly has no mind separate from God. That is my only sadhana. I crave holy company; I could go anywhere, but I need satsang.

I find study very helpful. I especially like to read the lives of saints. Since the beginning, Swamiji is gripping me so tightly and he is helping me in every way possible-in person, in dream, and in books. He also teaches in subtle ways. A spiritual aspirant should not crave anything except to fulfill his own duty as commanded by the guru.