"Don't think that Swami Sivananda is not here. He has not gone anywhere. Whatever is happening in this Ashram is according to his wish. Don't ever think that he is not present in this very place!"

Ans : My family was quite prosperous at first; we had a business selling spices and my father also worked as a magician, giving performances at shows and elsewhere. They were ritualistic and devotional in their religious observances-doing worship and the daily practices. My parents were already disciples of Swami Chidananda when I was young, so even when I was small, I knew something about these spiritual matters. Before I even existed, this existed in our family! Our parents also taught us yoga asanas and Sanskrit slokas. We had that influence all along; I was simply brought up in that sort of atmosphere. As I said, my father was a magician, so whenever Divine Life Society conferences were held in my home state, my father would go and perform there, and he would usually take the whole family along with him. More often than not, Swami Chidananda would be at these conferences; my parents knew him as their guru. I had no relationship with him personally, but I would often get prasad from him. Later, when I was a teenager, I did not like this concept of worshipping a living person. I had this doubt, but I didn't want to hurt my mother, so I kept quiet. I actually wanted to study something, go abroad, earn money and have luxurious cars and so on!

As it happened my father decided to take sannyas, and the business was taken over by my two brothers and myself. We couldn't do well in the business and were also cheated by some people, and we lost a lot of money. At this point I made an unfortunate discovery: I had a lot of friends at the time when we were doing well and had plenty of money, but once we lost our money, these friends disappeared, except for the real friends. This was hard to deal with. No one helped us. I was very confused at this point. We did not have even enough money for basic needs, and it became too much for me.

I did not want to be a burden, and I thought first of going off to Rishikesh. I was 17 years old at the time, and I came here not because it was a spiritual place but because I knew people here and I would have food and shelter. I figured I would stay here and think over my future and not be a burden for my family. I stayed here and did not go home for a long time. Swami Chidananda was not here at that time, but he wrote a letter encouraging me to go back to school, do well there and to pass my exams. I wanted to go into the army, but my family was opposed and I protested by not continuing my studies. I was sort of forced into taking the exams by my family, but I didn't at all try to do well in the exams, and knew for sure that I would fail.

I came back to Rishikesh but I was really only a tourist here-not a spiritual seeker. My sister rang me here to tell me that I had actually passed the exams, even though I had purposely tried to fail! The family urged me to ask Swami Chidananda about this apparent miracle. When Swamiji returned to the Ashram after a tour I was introduced to him. I felt respect for him but no real devotion. I asked him about what had happened with my exams and he said, "Swami Sivananda is sitting right here. You ask him the question and he will give you the answer." When he said that, I really became angry with him. I though, Sivananda is dead and gone; what is this old man telling me anyway! I thought, if you can't answer my question, say you can't answer-don't direct me to a statue! Suddenly, Swamiji made big eyes and pointed a finger right in my face. "Look here, don't think that Swami Sivananda is not here. He has not gone anywhere. Whatever is happening in this Ashram is according to his wish. Don't ever think that he is not present in this very place!" I was as shocked as if a snake had bitten me! I thought, 'how did he know what I was thinking?' He started asking me questions; how long have you been here, what are you doing exactly, on and on-killing my ego from all sides with his undeviating questions in front of the whole Samadhi Mandir. He gave me direct instructions to get up at 3:30 am, take a dip in the Ganga and come back to the Mandir at 4 am. He then told me to sit after the morning talk and ask Swami Sivananda, and he will give me the full answer to my question. Swamiji was looking very powerful-I saw something very special in him, but I did not really understand his talk with me.

I was full of negative vibrations as I was carrying out these instructions, and as I sat in the Samadhi Mandir I spoke in a whisper, "I have been instructed to ask this of you, so I am asking. Did you have something to with the miracle of my exam results?" I closed my eyes and waited. Nothing happened for a few minutes, but after 15 minutes or so, I didn't know what happened exactly, but something very big happened in me. I was there, but I did not know how long I had been there, I didn't know why I was sitting there. I got this strange urge to do pranams to Gurudev's statue. I was feeling some great respect and emotion for Swami Sivananda. As I walked out, I remembered I had a question, but I felt then there was no need of an answer.

I asked to see Swami Chidananda again, and I was summoned to come at 9 am; he finally came to see me at 3 pm! He asked, "So what happened? Did you get your answer? " I told him that there was nothing anymore to be asked. He said, "Don't try to think about what happened. Whatever has happened has occurred for your own good." Then he asked me about my family, studies and my future plans. I told him that I would go back to Orissa to study in a technical college. Swamiji suddenly told me, "don't go back to Orissa. Do your technical studies in Delhi." I responded that I didn't have a place to stay or any money, and Swamiji said, "I will give you the money." I told him that I could not take money from him, that it was not right for householders to take money from mahatmas. He said, "Then you can take a loan from me."

I was given the money and I went to Delhi to study computers for three and a half years. It was a tough life. I had a lot to do with my studies, and I also worked part-time, and I had essentially no time for anything outside of my studies and work. During the third year I got a good job with a company, and then I started coming to the Ashram regularly, and reading Gurudev's books on my own, but I would say that I felt more gratitude towards Swamiji than actual devotion.

I got a job working in Hong Kong, and I actually flew out there on the same plane with Swami Chidanandaji, as he was going off to attend a programme there. It was my first flight in an airplane ever, and I flew it with Swamiji! Once there, I did not like the life I was leading. The teachings of Sivananda reminded me of the things I was truly interested in, and I had some doubt about the sort of life I was carrying on in Hong Kong. I was there to earn money to help support my family, but I could not adjust myself to the life there. I didn't have a clear idea about how best to pass my time. I also thought, if I were to get married, this would not be a helpful decision, because the money I would earn would go to my wife and children and not to my family in Orissa who might need it. In any case I decided I couldn't live that life anymore. At the same time, I began to think that my family would be able to manage somehow without my direct financial assistance.

I came back to India in 1997, as I had not gotten a visa extension to stay in Hong Kong. While staying in India and waiting for my visa application to come through, I began to develop some vairagya (dispassion), and I started having a liking for the kind of life they live in the Ashram. I could see that I had been working like some machine, and I eventually decided to not return to Hong Kong. I wrote to Swamiji that I was in a big state of confusion, and that I didn't want to lead a life like the one I had in Hong Kong, and could I come to stay full-time in the Ashram and serve Swamiji? He told me to come to Rishikesh and that we could talk about my plans there. Once we met, he told me to finish my studies, and then after passing my exams he said I could stay here and serve here in the Ashram. He added that, when time allowed, I could also be directly involved in his service as a personal attendant.

I was not totally sure that I could fit into this lifestyle when I first started living in the Ashram, but my commitment grew and matured. I felt great gratitude that I could be with Swamiji 24 hours a day. I told him that I didn't want to go back to the world, and that I would serve him from here on out. This was my only intention in coming here, and I was so fortunate that it remained possible for me.

I had seen Swamiji give sannyas diksha many times, so I had some idea what it was about. As time went on and Swamijis's health deteriorated, many of his usual duties became too difficult for him. I had heard that he might therefore not be able to give sannyas diksha anymore, and I thought I should also take sannyas before Swamiji stopped giving it. This I did in 1999. Serving him is my japa, meditation, and worship. The work itself is my sadhana.