"At about age 16 I woke one night with an experience of absolute bliss, in a blinding warm light, and knew for sure that everything was okay. Fully awake with eyes open, the room disappeared. I was bathed in love, like I were being held."

Ans : I am from a working class non-religious family in England-actually I would say with no religious influence whatsoever. Times were hard for us financially and having three brothers, I found it hard to compete, as I was a relatively sensitive person. Although I considered my childhood unhappy, I somehow instinctually knew there was something else more profound in life and that everything was in fact okay. It was many years before I was able to put my finger on what those feelings actually meant. I didn't enjoy school, although I worked quite hard in school because we were brought up to be obedient. I had the feeling I couldn't see the point in it. Due to suppression of desire, I ended up in my teens as an insecure, shy and introverted person-but at the same time with a sense of humour and with a lot of friends. I left school with no qualifications, and I started working in an artistic trade as an apprentice.

As a very logical and deep-thinking person, I was always asking what were, for my educational level, quite deep questions. At about age 16 I woke one night with an experience of absolute bliss, in a blinding warm light, and knew for sure that everything was okay. Fully awake with eyes open, the room disappeared. I was bathed in love, like I were being held. Afterwards one would presume that it was for only a short time, but during the experience it was timeless. I didn't know what had happened, and I couldn't tell anyone, as I didn't trust anyone at this level. I pushed the experience to the back of my mind and got on with my life.

I always had a big interest in the occult, but with no guidance. I got involved in many unhelpful pursuits. In 1976 I read a book about South America, which described a mystery school in the Andes that housed all of life secrets. Although it was completely out of character for me, nothing would have stopped me from seeking out this place. I traveled with a friend to South America with the intention of finding this place and all the answers to the questions that none of my peer group were interested in. The trip was a great experience despite the fact that we lost everything and had to steal to live. We almost died of altitude sickness and cold trying to find a place I still don't know existed or not. I had to call off the search, and I returned to England feeling that there wasn't any answer out there, and decided to get on with earning a living.

With a spiritual interest always in the background, I started building a business with almost no ambition and very little enthusiasm, except that I would always do a good job. I started the business at age 26 and had it for 18 years. The business grew on its good reputation and became big enough to become a stress, and the stress forced me to look at the spiritual life that had always been underlying my outer life. I decided to take up Tai Chi, almost just as a stress reducer. Because it was a practice based on being in the body rather than the mind, it takes you out of your intellect. I found in a very short time I could no longer maintain the outer status quo that had been my miserable life. I was now moving away from a blinkered existence, and the world appeared to be a much bigger place than I had previously presumed. I had the idea at this point that if the world could appear that much bigger, just how much bigger could it get! I was later to find out that there was no limitation.

I started to search for answers more seriously, and soon found an openhearted approach brought everything to my door. I was picking up just the right book at just the right time; I was being loaned just the right audiotape, and I met my first realized spiritual teacher all in the space of about one year. From this teacher came a connection to another spiritual teacher who happened to be holding a retreat in Rishikesh. It was there that I met two long-term residents of the Sivananda Ashram. I was totally inspired by their commitment to the spiritual life, and they showed me that the spiritual life could be a serious and wholehearted life option rather than just a hobby.

As a person who wouldn't believe anything until it was in his own experience, I became very interested in the practical side of the teachings, mainly because they could be used at any level of understanding to relieve one's suffering and open one up to greater possibilities. By following the practical teachings of my first teacher, which all pointed to taking responsibility for your life, I found the capacity to stop blaming and complaining. One then opens up because one is no longer a victim and has nobody else to blame. At this point several significant insights were gifted to me. The main one came like a bombshell because it was what I had already known as a small child: that was that Life was an absolutely ordered system. That could only mean that everything that happened, from the least significant to the most significant, is absolutely right and as it should be. From this point it was almost impossible to have a problem that could overwhelm me. Over the last five years I found that I was moving from an insecure, self-involved person to one who was finding it easier to relate wholesomely with others. This came about because I was no longer so self-obsessed. I became inspired by the idea of not taking everything on such a personal level.

Again, these teachings had very practical manifestations in my immediate day-to-day relationship to my experience. For instance, my worst horror would be to be housed with a complete stranger in a room in the Ashram. Yet, although the old conditioned response arose, I was able to have enough awareness that I didn't allow these negative situations to continue, and I got on just fine when this very circumstance occurred. This same process was applied in many situations, but my personal confidence grew as my confidence in the teachings grew.

My main spiritual practice is enquiry. It is a constant mindful living-completely aware of the fundamental laws of Life. Although I wasn't looking for it, the enquiry has led me to a deeper conviction of an ultimate, unknowable power that is running everything. I suddenly found that even I could use the word "God" and feel a deep reverence for it. The natural outcome of enquiry was to take up meditation. I usually practise meditation approximately two hours a day. The meditation I use is also practicable in day-to-day living. I use this as much as I am able. Meeting with spiritual friends has become a solidifying influence that helps affirm my conviction that the spiritual life is the only authentic life. To have that opportunity, I come to the Sivananda Ashram as much as I can. I am also involved with some long-term work here that has itself become a form of sadhana for me.